11/9/2025

Long format post:

Edit:

This is all within the context that gender expression, gender identity, pronouns/names, sex, sex characteristics, are all different things that do not have to correlate.

^All of that (and the stuff below) to say, I don't want to have a word for my gender anymore. What am I even trying to describe.

Also this is just opinions of mine, not fact. Everyone is valid in their gender expression/identity, and I do believe that with my whole being.

Okay, actually I just dont know gender. Gender is not a real thing. It is funny to be in any discourse about gender for me at this point. It feels like this big pretend game we're all playing, but everyone is taking it REALLY seriously, and there is no brakes. Even in talking to there trans people, theres this part of me that has to try really hard to wrap my head around what they're saying at times. Just in the sense that I feel far from what they're describing. Like yes, I do still describe my gender with terminology that plays into current societal gender rolls. But when I do that, its more so to help others wrap their head around what I'm doing or how I got here. Life as a trans person is inherently consumed with coming out as different things to different people.

Examples:

To my parents: I am they're non-binary oldest child

To my current boss: I am a odd transgender person who was maybe a man at one point

To my friends: Breaking news: Missouri Man, bigassbug, wakes up in a woman's body. Quote: "Yeah, I guess I'm just doing this now." More at 10.

To strangers: Mix of cis-man who looks funny, trans-woman, confusing non-binary, cis-woman who just looks like that. Mandys son, grandma macs great-granddaughter, my sisters sibling, ma'am oh sorry sir, etc.

There is just a constant flux of various perceptions of my gender at all times it seems. I use gender as a tool to benefit me at this point. I will look/act a certain way to guarantee my safety, get the job I want, to be taken more seriously, to be attract the kind of people I wanna be around, etc.

I also just have a hard time knowing what I come across as. I am very lucky to have every space I'm in be affirming to my gender. I haven't really had to be low-key about gender in awhile.

So basically I'm just over it. @lucky put it so well that one time, we need to just move past it imo. What is the point of me describing any of this when it isn't real. It is only real for the people still pretending it is, and I only use its language to communicate with them. Alien style.

Also I know how full of myself I sound, I know that other people can have whatever they wanna feel about gender go-on, and I still think it is valid. My opinion isn't better or worse than anyone, its just how I feel.