This was a post from 7/29/2025 that I never posted, because I thought it wouldn't come across right. But I've talked about it enough to feel comfortable sharing.

7/29/2025

I am sooo busy, and tired also. Bigassbug stop doing shit challenge: level insane.

Gonna talk about some crap, may delete:

Tw: talk of body image, dysmorphia, weight, etc. No mention of numbers. Post stops at ************

So basically I am at a very "conventionally attractive" time in my life. A year ago or so, I weighed more than I do now. And, while I do maintain that fat people are objectively more sexy, it was hard to see that for myself at the time. Especially when it came to clothes and how they fit. I reminded myself pretty consistently that I was still attractive, and that I needed to focus on my "now body" rather than what my body could be. But it was still very hard to turn off the part of my brain saying "You need to look different!!!"

So overtime, I have had quite a few lifestyle changes that have contributed to my current weight (stopping meds, less depressive episodes, choosing what and when I got to eat [not in a disordered way, I'm just moved out now, and get to pick my groceries.])

I went to the doctors for the first time in awhile a couple of days ago. When they took my weight, something I haven't done in a year or so, I was so shocked at how much I've lost. It was like a "oh wow!" kinda feeling, turned into shame, turned into a "I'm sorry for your loss."

Now, i'm looking in the mirror, feeling so odd. Like happy, but sad that I'm happy. Guilt. I have been wanting to make an art piece about this feeling for a long time. I have grown around a lot of talks of fat liberation, and its taught me that my body is normal in whatever state (as long as its healthy tho ofc). But I'm also feeling like I've become the thing I used to hate? I dont know if that makes sense. I'm also feeling like I'm not allowed to talk about certain subjects surrounding fat people any longer, even just calling fat people fat feels somewhat off now. I love myself at the end of the day, it just feels odd to move amongst the world in this way.

Post over, you can @ me about this, just dont make/recall observations about my body if you know me irl.

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